Zero Tolerance

I came home last night as I normally do to a house full of activity.  I heard Baltej (11) practicing his Dilruba in our prayer room and Himmat (9) doing homework in the playroom.  My wife (Jasmine)  was cleaning up the dinner in the kitchen and Avtar (5) was enjoying his ‘electronic’ time on her phone.

As our normal routine my wife and I use our kitchen island to catchup on the day.  The routine of how the day was, how the kids behaved what was the status of the homework’s and other activities the kids were up to.  During this time, I am also setting up my dinner plate and we are normally interrupted by one of the boys coming and greeting me with a hug or just trying to get into our conversation.  So I noticed that Himmat (middle child) and Avtar had come by but Baltej went straight up to take a shower after his practice.  When I asked about him Jasmine proceeded to tell me how he had acted up that evening throwing a ball at one of his siblings and then another friend who had come to play on our driveway.  Though these were uncharacteristic of his behavior, we have enough kids and have spent enough time with them to know nothing is awkward and boys do some really stupid stuff from time to time (maybe girls too but I cant speak to that!).

After our conversation and my dinner was finished, I noticed that Baltej had not come back down stairs, this is again uncharacteristic of him and, so I decided to go talk to him.

As I walked up the stairs I noticed that his door was closed, and lights were off, this was another atypical sign at 7pm, normally he is full of energy and trying every excuse to extend his bedtime.
 

When I opened the door, I found him in bed under the covers, I went over and sat at the edge of his bed and lifted his covers, he must have been under them for a while because his head felt hot almost feverish.

I asked him what was wrong and if he was just tired, he looked at me with a very concerned and serious face, “I feel a lot of pressure” he said.  He went on to explain how he had gotten a zero on one of his makeup assignments.  He was fearful that I would be upset along with his behavior that evening with his siblings and friends. 

Being a parent is a very difficult job, anyone who has kids can tell you there is not one way, there is not one answer, there is not one strategy.  You are constantly thrown into unexpected situations or conversations.  Along with that you have the burden of knowing what you say, what you do, even how you say it, how you do it all gets recorded by little impressionable and very observant minds.  It’s a miracle that anyone grows up normal! 

“Its ok, I am not mad at you” I started off, I knew he already felt the stress of his behavior and failure, this was not a time to be upset or make him feel worse.

It was a rare moment where not only was I in the right frame of mind to give the advice, but he was in the right frame of mind to receive it.  Most times these moments come in the heat of something else going on, or in the midst of needing to get somewhere and so we miss these opportunities.

 

In what I hope someday he remembers as his dad’s ‘calm’ voice, I went on to explain to him that he was feeling stress and that he can’t change the past, the zero his behavior is all in the past now.  What he had under his control is his future actions.  I felt him feeling a bit relieved that he had dodged the ‘I’m in trouble bullet’ but of course I was not going to let him out that easy.

I used that moment where I had his captured attention to dish out some advice I also could use myself sometimes.  You cannot change the past, when you make a mistake or an error, there is no sense focusing on that missed chance.  The only thing we should get out of that is to learn by never forgetting that feeling.  I told him if you want to remember anything from today it shouldn’t be your grade or your behavior, but just this feeling that you had afterwards, that is the best chance to not make the same mistake again.  By this time Jasmine had also come upstairs, and I’m sure she too felt this was a good time to drive home some points so, as I was getting up and leaving she took my seat at the edge of the bed.

The Indian in me of course kept thinking about that zero he received, and as I was getting up I said I am not upset at the zero this time, but if it repeats then there would be something I would be holding him accountable for…..after that the desi part of me felt relief not letting the education expectations down!