The hardest thing to do in life is to face the truth. At the same time, it is the most liberating thing that one can do. As humans we go through life which looks like a random series of events full of our actions and reactions, but within those details there is deeper meanings, lessons and guidance. Guru Nanak started Gurbani with the truth. Holding it to such high regard that it was the essence of what God/Universe or higher power was. He spoke the truth in different ways he put the mirror Infront of society to show how hypocritical it was or how it made no sense.

It was really the simplest yet most powerful way to start the revolution that would eventually be called Sikhism. A revolution that would stand for other faiths even if it didn’t have similar beliefs, a revolution that would feed anyone, a revolution that treated everyone equally, and a revolution that stood by the truth no matter what the cost.

Whether or not today we as Sikhs are standing and holding those ideals as they were preached is debatable but not the point of what I wanted to write.

I want to admire those heroes in our families, and communities, who hold this line. Who no matter what the cost have the courage to stand up for their own truths. Fully knowing they may be marginalized, scrutinized, maybe even chastised.

June is pride month, and though I have always had enormous respect for those who are in the LGBTQ communities that respect has grown immensely in recent months. I have seen firsthand the courage and power it takes for someone to go against every comfortable option to stand in their true and beautiful light.

This is a controversial topic for all religions and ours is no exception. There are polarizing views mostly with Gurbani used as ammunition to debunk or make evil assumptions of perversions.

Whenever I have thought about this topic I only see Guru Nanak, I only see him holding that mirror to society and standing with all of those who have the courage to be who they are, be truthful to their reality. That is the whole point of spirituality, the whole point of any religion, of Gurbani of all the actions we do, it all boils down to being able to have the strength to stand in our truth no matter what it is.

For that I wish all LGBTQ Sikhs and non-Sikhs a very happy Pride month. Everyone can have their views or opinions but the person who can look in the mirror and understand who they are, can go to bed peacefully with their own reality, and who does not live in duality but in their own truth, is in fact truly following the path of Sikhi.

P.S. - I'll not be pulled into a debate on this in the comment section if you disagree, I ask that you respectfully unfriend me, there will be no hard feelings, I promise

#pridemonth #lgbtqia

The Secret of Life

The lessons of life often come not in large profound situations, but small daily moments if you have the awareness to see them.  One of the most beneficial aspects of being a parent is letting your children teach you.  In small moments, some thoughtful teachings can be had, if one has the humility to recognize them.

An advantage of COVID has been that it has eliminated my commute time, this has translated in increased time with family and kids.  We have invested in some new games, card games for indoors and a badminton set which we got as a Vasakhi present for the kids.  Surprisingly, the boys love badminton we try to play a few times a week and its always a fun time.

It was during today’s evening badminton session in which Himmat taught me a wonderful secret lesson of life.  Of course, I knew this lesson but it was definitely forgotten in the responsibilities and routine of life.  If you know Himmat, you know his wonderful smile and laugh.  Most of the time you can find him enjoying any situation that he is a part of.  His smile is infectious and his laugh is contagious.  He rarely cares what others are thinking or doing, finding joys in food and fun are his talents.

Most of the time in badminton when it is the four of us, its Avtar (8) and me, vs Baltej (13) and Himmat (11).  I never take it easy on the boys, I always figure them losing to me will make them better.  There is also the realization that my window to beat them is limited.  Soon they will begin beating me in most of the sports as their bodies get faster, and my body, well let’s say gets more mature.

As always Avtar and I easily beat Baltej and Himmat.  I completely dominate in these games even taking hits away from Avtar so I can get the points.  Baltej is also very competitive and gets upset at Himmat for mistakes and misses during the game.  Baltej’s frustration leads to both of them either arguing or fighting.  Sensing that the frustration was getting high, I decided to change things up.  Why don’t we switch teams? With that Himmat became my teammate and Avtar went Baltej’s side.

As the game started it was evident that Himmat was the weakest link.  Since Avtar is younger we allow him a lot of grace in the game, during the game the person on his team takes the liberty to hit the shuttle even if its on his side.  Of course, I could not do that with Himmat, so the game started off with us getting behind fast.  At first, I was being encouraging, figuring that the frustration approach would only dishearten him.  As our score differential went to double digits, I started to get a little upset at Himmat.  Why was he not moving fast enough? Why wasn’t he anticipating where the shot would be?  Why is he not getting under the shuttle?  I started to criticize his technique; the coach mode went on in me.  Why don’t you move your feet, be ready move faster, try harder, type of things I started to tell him as we lost more points.

As I was observing him more, I started to notice something else, he kept laughing and smiling at everything.  Every point he lost, he laughed, every point he made he laughed.  It was the same joy regardless what I said, if he missed, if he was losing or winning.  I thought about it and realized he had done that not only this game but the previous game he lost, not only that I think he’s been doing that the whole summer, the whole time we have been playing badminton.

Instead of playing the game, I started to watch him.  I started to see his genuine joy his genuine happiness, and his genuine carefree nature.  I looked at my feelings, I looked over to the other team none of the players on that court had the joy he had.  Even Avtar and Baltej who were in the lead were not laughing and smiling as much as him, and in that instant, I was reminded that that is one of the most precious secrets of life.  The ability to find joy in every moment, the ability to be happy regardless of external situations.  The win and loss were not on the score, but inside us.  It’s what Gurbani teaches us, that the search is not external it is internal.

Watching Himmat that game, we lost, we lost badly but you could never tell that from his reactions.  From his sheer joy of just hitting the shuttle over the net, or even in missing he would look at me and break out in a laugh at how funny it was. 

In this hyper competitive environment/world, where winning and losing is determined by society’s expectations or our own competitive drives he made me realize in that simple yet profound way what true winning is.  It’s the ability to be joyous regardless of all external factors, nothing was affecting him, not the score, not Baltej’s frustration with him in the last game, nor my coaching and trying to get him to take the game more seriously. 

We cannot control our external factors, but we can control how much joy we allow within.  How much we want to experience and express that joy no matter what the situation or status is outside.  We can only control that which is within, will our joy be influenced, or will we protect it, will we allow it to thrive.

One day these kids will grow up and ‘mature’ and these innocent lessons I am getting will begin to dwindle.  Until then, I will try my best to notice, to observe and to remind myself of what is important. 

During our nightly routine, I spend a few minutes with each of the kids just normally telling them how much I love them, or getting them to tell me something that may be bothering them.  Tonight, I told Himmat how I think he is the best badminton player in our house, because he actually enjoys the game.  To this comment he flashed one of his big smiles and gave me a tight hug.

Thank you Himmat for this lesson and even more the joy you gave me watching you today. 

Himmat's Shot

Himmat constantly reminds me that faith and belief are more powerful than logic. Last week at Kings Dominion (an amusement park in VA) we started playing the a carnival styled basketball game. The object of this game was to shoot a ball into a hoop, about foul shot distance, but of course the hoop is probably smaller and tighter than a normal one.

These games are expensive, and the odds are stacked against you in every way. Himmat wanted a basketball and one shot would get you 1 ball. The cost for two attempts was $5, so I told him I'll give it a try. Both of my attempts were close but did not go into the basket. I am not a great shooter but normally I can make at least one of those two attempts, so I was a bit disappointed at myself.

Himmat insisted that we try again, but that he gets to shoot. I told him you can barely make a basket when we are at home without all the pressure, so the better bet is for me to try again. To satisfy my own ego and redeem myself, I bought another 2 shots.

Himmat pleaded that I give him a chance, I ignored it taking my first shot and again missing. With one shot left Himmat became adamant that I allow him to shoot.

"I'll make it Daddy, you already missed so many shots!"

Feeling defeated after missing 3 shots, I figured I just wasted $10 for a basketball when we have multiple ones at home. I handed Himmat the last shot, saying "Alright its on you..."

Those who know Himmat know that he always smiles, he took the ball from me with a big smile on his face, I figured at least for the money we spent he will get a chance to also feel disappointment and maybe a life lesson that these games are rigged.

Still smiling he bounced the ball a few times, and with improper form which his shot always is, he heaved it up. Watching him not even take aim and the way he shoots just chucking the ball in the air with one hand, I fully expected it not to hit anything, not even the backboard.

Nobody else was shooting so the attendant me, Himmat and a few of our relatives were watching. Himmat's shot hit the rim of the basket he was aiming for, but it was a bad shot so no way it was going in, it bounced off that rim towards the basketball hoop next to it, surprisingly his ball was still 'in play' it hit the other rim, again not going in but bouncing up again, only to somehow miraculously go in to the basket he wasn’t even aiming for!

As we cheered, I looked at the attendant who watched the shot, his mouth was wide open as well in shock to how the ball went from one basket to another, and somehow bounced in, for a second he didn’t know what to do was it a win for a prize or not, as we were cheering and Himmat's smile had now turned into a full on celebration

"I told you Daddy, I can make it!....YES...I knew I could do it...."

He picked his prize ball and as we were walking a way, it reminded me that all logic, all strategy is worthless, the only thing you need sometimes is a belief in yourself, and luck on your side. Himmat is proud of his ball, and prouder of the story, how his Dad missed 3 shots, didn't believe he would be able to make it and he proved him wrong.

As he kept saying "I told you daddy, I would make it" I let him enjoy his moment, later I wanted to make sure he knew he was lucky.

"You know you actually didn't make it in the basket you were aiming for" he laughed a reply "Yaaa i know that’s why I don’t make shots at home because there is no basket next to our hoop"

His logic again was not a reply I would expect it was a childlike innocence that I hope never goes away.

That day most of our relatives tired to play that game, all are better shooters than Himmat, but nobody else came home with a winning basketball.

Its times like this that all the headaches and stress of being a parent seem worth it, for the reminders, that if we allow the kid inside of us to live, to believe in possibilities, then through sheer luck and faith, those possibilities have a chance of being reality.

Picture is of Himmat a few minutes later, with his winning Maryland Terps Basketball.

Riding for Positivity

Himmat on a typical morning.

If there is one genuine morning person in our house its Himmat.  He wakes up with a smile and hug no matter how early it is, and most days is ready a couple of hours before he has to leave for school.  In our normal routine he is in my bathroom while I am tying my turban waiting for me to finish so I can tie his patka (small turban).  Normally during this time, we talk and discuss what happened yesterday or other things on his mind.  Mainly how much ‘electronics’ time he may get when he gets home, or what we plan to play outside.

For those who don’t know Himmat, his personality is truly positive.  He lives for the moment, never worrying about tomorrow or consequences.  He is the kid you would want to have as your best friend, loyal, caring and fun loving.  He’s not the youngest but he is the real child in our family.

Today was no different in our routine but in the morning conversation he told me its Bike to school day today.

“Daddy I’m going to ride my bike to school today” he said with a big smile on his face.  

Being the adult, I immediately responded with “You don’t have a chain, so maybe next year”

“What’s a chain?” he asked

“You put it on your bike, so it stays in place” I told him still concentrating on getting my turban right, its easy to have a bad turban day if you are distracted.

“Oh I have a kick stand so my bike will stay in its place” his big smile was back thinking he solved the issue.

“No, that’s not what I meant, the chain is so you can chain your bike with a lock, so nobody steals it” I’m a bit annoyed that he doesn’t even know what a chain is, at this point.

“Why would someone want to take my bike?”

“I don’t know, but if it doesn’t have a chain then the possibility is greater that someone can steal it if they want to”  I responded, trying to make him think logically.

“If they take my bike, then I won’t have a bike” I looked back at him through the mirror, his smile was gone and a concerned look took over his face.

As I finished my turban, he sat behind me on the tub, with a serious look.  I realized what I had just done, taken his innocence and trust in humanity away with a simple statement about a bike chain!

His whole body slumped and as I called him to stand in front of me to do his turban he walked slowly, of course I don’t know what he was thinking but my guess was his shattered trust that his bike would be safe outside his school the whole day without a chain was weighing heavy on him.

As I looked at him from the mirror his face reminded me of a face I have seen on every adult.  The face of worry, the face of stress, the face of distrust.  Within a matter of seconds, I had changed his optimistic morning to a negative one.  With my own attitude, my own distrust of humanity.  I had passed on unwillingly a stress about society and how we have to be constantly vigilant to a child who looked at the world optimistically.  As adults we have had experience, of course we have had good experiences along with the bad, but we normally use our common sense rooted in bad experiences, which cause us to be overly cautious and skeptical of humanity.

“You know what, why don’t you just take the bike to school” I said, trying to sound positive.

“But what if it gets stolen? What if someone takes it?” He responded with the same logic I had planted in his brain.

“Then we will get you a new one, you will out grow this one eventually anyways” As I said this I saw his eyes begin to light up again.

“What do you think the chances are that someone will take it?” He asked.

“I don’t know the chances, I mean most likely it will be fine, but even in worst case, you ride/walk back home and we will get you another bike, don’t worry about it” I was finishing up his turban at this point.

His body language changed he started telling me his plans to call his cousin and tell them he is riding his bike if they want to join.

Before I let him go down for breakfast, I told him something I was silently reminding myself.

People are mostly good, and even if there are some bad ones don’t let them ruin your perception of others.  When bad things happen, we can figure out a solution, so don’t stress it and do what you feel is right.

A small lesson for me this morning not to be pessimistic and remember that humanity is worthy of trust.  We just have to dig deeper sometimes and remember the times that people assisted us, or came through for us to understand that the positive experiences actually outnumber the negative ones.

And finally, one of my relatives who knows Himmat really well sent me a unexpected whatsapp message this morning:

“Good Morning Everyone. I’m having my Himmat moment - Love you all and a big hug from me to all of you for having beautiful children and being beautiful people who have always been there for me.  Happy Everyday.”

Yes, we are truly blessed, in so many ways if we open our eyes/minds to acknowledge it.  Thank you Himmat for being that positive energy that reminds me life is not only about logic, but an unconditional trust that the universe has a way of making things work out in the end.

Slow Motion

As humans we have the tendency to look at what we don’t have.  All around us are better things, more comfort, flashy, larger, roomier, advance etc. etc.  The never-ending list and cycle of wants.

We look at life and rate ourselves either by our possessions or by our accomplishments, but none of these truly bring us peace or satisfaction.  This is not really anything new, deep within us we know this to be true.  We have never been as happy as we were when we were children, before the competition and meaning to do something to make our mark in this world overtook us.  Back then we were just happy marking chalk on the sidewalk, or fingers in the sand, just that much was enough.

When we grow up do we really grow down?  We learn but in that learning we refuse to see the truth about ourselves.  We hide behind complexities which we ourselves do not understand.  If we come off too simple then we get judged as naïve, too complex then we get judged as clever.  In this battle of extremes our desires, wants and needs are clouded.  Clouded by not only what we want but what is expected, what is around us, and sadly what is fed to us.

In moments of silence and stillness we discover within us there is something else.  Within us there is the complete experience that even if its for moments at a time its calling on us to feel fulfilled.

This feeling gets replicated, when we feel love.  I have found that moments of meditation are very similar to moments where you feel unconditional love for others.  The challenge is to unconditionally love yourself in the same manner.  That would be the key to living not for the external but internal peace.

Last night before putting the kids to bed they begin cuddling with my wife, it became a picture moment.  As I watched them hugging and giggling into this line of sitting on laps for a moment I felt that unconditional love I have for everyone there.  Its in those moments that you see some major clarities and can comprehend the deep truth.  Nothing really matters, the only thing we can really give is love, the only thing we can get is love.  It is our misunderstanding that we can give or receive anything more. 

The mirage of illusion we seek to matter, we seek to fill ourselves with experiences, or some accomplishments that we strive for, only to feel empty every goal we make reality.  There is nothing to accomplish but love.  There is no where to go, there is no greater experience or destination.  It can be had at every moment if we catch that chance. 

They are very sensitive instants that happen quickly, so we miss them, because we are focused on the wrong things.  Slowing down is seen as counterproductive but living fast we rarely produce anything worth acknowledging.  However, just as in sports, it is only in slow motion that we can make the right call, its only in slow motion that we can see clearly, and it is only in slow motion that we can capture the most important moments that life has to offer.

Zero Tolerance

I came home last night as I normally do to a house full of activity.  I heard Baltej (11) practicing his Dilruba in our prayer room and Himmat (9) doing homework in the playroom.  My wife (Jasmine)  was cleaning up the dinner in the kitchen and Avtar (5) was enjoying his ‘electronic’ time on her phone.

As our normal routine my wife and I use our kitchen island to catchup on the day.  The routine of how the day was, how the kids behaved what was the status of the homework’s and other activities the kids were up to.  During this time, I am also setting up my dinner plate and we are normally interrupted by one of the boys coming and greeting me with a hug or just trying to get into our conversation.  So I noticed that Himmat (middle child) and Avtar had come by but Baltej went straight up to take a shower after his practice.  When I asked about him Jasmine proceeded to tell me how he had acted up that evening throwing a ball at one of his siblings and then another friend who had come to play on our driveway.  Though these were uncharacteristic of his behavior, we have enough kids and have spent enough time with them to know nothing is awkward and boys do some really stupid stuff from time to time (maybe girls too but I cant speak to that!).

After our conversation and my dinner was finished, I noticed that Baltej had not come back down stairs, this is again uncharacteristic of him and, so I decided to go talk to him.

As I walked up the stairs I noticed that his door was closed, and lights were off, this was another atypical sign at 7pm, normally he is full of energy and trying every excuse to extend his bedtime.
 

When I opened the door, I found him in bed under the covers, I went over and sat at the edge of his bed and lifted his covers, he must have been under them for a while because his head felt hot almost feverish.

I asked him what was wrong and if he was just tired, he looked at me with a very concerned and serious face, “I feel a lot of pressure” he said.  He went on to explain how he had gotten a zero on one of his makeup assignments.  He was fearful that I would be upset along with his behavior that evening with his siblings and friends. 

Being a parent is a very difficult job, anyone who has kids can tell you there is not one way, there is not one answer, there is not one strategy.  You are constantly thrown into unexpected situations or conversations.  Along with that you have the burden of knowing what you say, what you do, even how you say it, how you do it all gets recorded by little impressionable and very observant minds.  It’s a miracle that anyone grows up normal! 

“Its ok, I am not mad at you” I started off, I knew he already felt the stress of his behavior and failure, this was not a time to be upset or make him feel worse.

It was a rare moment where not only was I in the right frame of mind to give the advice, but he was in the right frame of mind to receive it.  Most times these moments come in the heat of something else going on, or in the midst of needing to get somewhere and so we miss these opportunities.

 

In what I hope someday he remembers as his dad’s ‘calm’ voice, I went on to explain to him that he was feeling stress and that he can’t change the past, the zero his behavior is all in the past now.  What he had under his control is his future actions.  I felt him feeling a bit relieved that he had dodged the ‘I’m in trouble bullet’ but of course I was not going to let him out that easy.

I used that moment where I had his captured attention to dish out some advice I also could use myself sometimes.  You cannot change the past, when you make a mistake or an error, there is no sense focusing on that missed chance.  The only thing we should get out of that is to learn by never forgetting that feeling.  I told him if you want to remember anything from today it shouldn’t be your grade or your behavior, but just this feeling that you had afterwards, that is the best chance to not make the same mistake again.  By this time Jasmine had also come upstairs, and I’m sure she too felt this was a good time to drive home some points so, as I was getting up and leaving she took my seat at the edge of the bed.

The Indian in me of course kept thinking about that zero he received, and as I was getting up I said I am not upset at the zero this time, but if it repeats then there would be something I would be holding him accountable for…..after that the desi part of me felt relief not letting the education expectations down!

Disconnecting to connect

For Father’s Day my son was asked to draw me and then point out my characteristics.  When he brought the drawing home and I took a look, it caught me off guard.  It was a picture of me holding my phone.  As one of my characteristics, ‘What does your father like to do’ he had written

 

“My father likes to watch funny videos on YouTube”

Children provide the most accurate reflection of you.  They show you the unbiased view that you seldom want to reflect on.  The one my son pointed out was most likely true, I was on my phone constantly.  I would love to use the excuse that it was because of my new job, and the demands of it and maybe I could chalk up 25% of my phone use for that, it would be inaccurate of me not to acknowledge the social media and entertainment aspect.

The truth is I am like many normal adults now a days, we use our phone for work, for information, to socialize and also cure our boredom.  Quite frankly I cannot even remember the last time I was bored.  Even places like the bathroom, the phone provides the world at your fingertips, you can google random questions you always had, research cars you will never buy, play games or communicate with anyone you wish.  The pull to use the mobile device is very strong, and truly addictive.

We try to justify our use because we don’t want to admit the truth.  We can survive without our phones, we can survive without social media, and most importantly if I wanted my kids not to be addicted to this technology, I would have to lead, by example, not lecture.

So that is what I am doing.  Today I deleted all my social media accounts, and had a discussion with my wife.  Though I had not talked to her about it previously and she was surprised she was quickly on board.  We have strategized to place our phones in a box at home, and only check them once every hour or so, for important emails.  I am also setting up some VIP emails so that if there is an emergency at work I can get some sort of alert, and not look completely careless!

I am an above average social media junky, I had too many friends on Facebook, followers on Twitter, and Instagram, and though I never really understood the appeal of Snapchat I had downloaded it just to see what the hype was about. 

For me the goal is simple, to disconnect to connect to what is truly important.  I had been on Facebook so long I don’t even remember how life was before it!  Ok I do but I do not really remember how we kept in touch, I am guessing via a phone call?  The aim is that come next father’s day, my son does not draw me with a phone in my hand, and for “What does your father like to do”  I would like to see the answer :

“My father likes to spend time with me when he is at home”